If Being a Football Coach was Like Being a Defense Attorney-Part 2: Talking to the Ref

REF:  Okay, so it is my understanding that one of your players wanted to talk to me, Coach?

COACH (Sighing Heavily):  Yes, Ref.   Against my advice.

REF:  Okay.  To avoid the appearance of impropriety, I’ve asked Chiefs’ Coach Reid to join us.

PLAYER:  Good!  I want to talk to him, too.

COACH:  No, you don’t.

PLAYER:  See what I’m dealing with here, Ref?

REF:  What seems to be the problem?

PLAYER:  So, basically, I want to win the game.

REF:  That’s good.  Everyone should want to win their game.

PLAYER:  Yeah, but it’s like Coach isn’t even trying to help us.

REF:  What’s going on?

PLAYER:  Well, he’s saying that we’re playing the Chiefs and that Chiefs are really good.

REF:  Well, obviously, as Referee, I don’t know anything about how the game will turn out, but I do know that the Chiefs usually do play pretty well at home.

COACH:  That’s what I was trying to tell him, Ref.

PLAYER:  I keep trying to tell him that I want to win and all he does is keep going on and on about “Patrick Mahomes is really good” and “You don’t have a chance.”

COACH:  I never said we didn’t have a chance!

REF:  Sir, I’ve known your Coach for a very long time.  I’ve seen him win some tough games and I’ve seen him lose some tough games, but he does always try very hard to help his team win.

PLAYER:  I’m just not seeing it, Ref.  He didn’t even ask Coach Reid if he would let us win.

REF:  Let you win?

COACH REID:  Yeah, I’m not going to do that.

PLAYER STARES AT COACH REID, INCREDULOUS.

PLAYER:  You let the Titans win.

COACH REID:  That was a tough game, but we did not just let them win.

PLAYER:  You let the Ravens win.

COACH REID:  We did not “let” the Ravens win.

PLAYER:  Look, I just to win for my family.  I’ve got a home that I need to make the mortgage on.  My mom is going to be watching the game.  My kids are coming.  I just need to win.

COACH:  We are going to try to win!  We have several things to work with.

PLAYER:  Can you guarantee me that we’re going to win?

REF, COACH & COACH REID (in unison):  NO.

PLAYER:  Ref, can YOU make us win?  Maybe, tell Coach Reid that we have to win?

REF:  I’m not going to do that.  I’m the Referee.  I’m just here to make sure it is a fair game.

PLAYER:  I’ve been doing everything I can to make us win.  I’ve been working out.  I’ve been running . . .

REF:  That’s good.

PLAYER: . . . I’ve been taking some performance-enhancing medicine . . . 

REF:  Wait, what?

COACH (hitting himself in the head with a clipboard repeatedly):  And THIS is why I told you that we should not be talking to the Ref.

PLAYER:  Why not? It will help.

COACH REID:  You’ve been using steroids?

PLAYER:  Why are you writing that down on your clipboard?

COACH REID: I’m meeting with the Commissioner later.

PLAYER:  I want to meet with the Commissioner too!

COACH REID:  Oh, I have a feeling you will be meeting with him soon enough.

PLAYER:  Anyways, Ref, my ankle is hurt and I’m not going to be able to keep up with Tyreek Hill.  I’ve asked my Coach to at least file a request with the League to suppress Tyreek.

COACH:  There are no grounds to suppress Tyreek Hill.

PLAYER:  Did you file a request with the League to allow us to win?

COACH:  There is no such thing.  

PLAYER:  Yeah right.

REF:  Your coach is right, sir.

PLAYER:  That’s not what my friend D-Hop from the Cardinals told me and he won his game.

COACH:  DeAndre Hopkins is a much stronger player than you are.  It’s a different set of circumstances.

PLAYER:  Do you see him being so disrespectful to me?

REF:  I have no comment.

PLAYER:  I have asked Coach to fire himself.

COACH:  I’m not going to fire myself.  I’m completely capable of coaching the team.

PLAYER:  Ref, can you make Bill Belichick my coach?  He’s a good coach.

COACH:  I’M A GOOD COACH!

REF:  I cannot appoint Bill Belichick to be your coach.  Can you afford him on your own?

PLAYER:  My teammates are trying to get the money together . . . 

COACH:  Please let me know the second you have enough money for Coach Belichick.

PLAYER:  Can I just coach myself? I drew up some of my own plays that are going to help us win. 

REF:  You want to coach yourself?

PLAYER:  It’s better than this Coach who thinks we already lost.

COACH:  I never said we already lost.

PLAYER:  So, look, I drew up the play on this piece of paper. (SHOWS PAPER TO REF, COACH, & COACH REID)

COACH REID:  Why do the Chiefs only have three defensive players in this drawing?

PLAYER:  Yeah, I’m going to need y’all to only play three players so we can score easier.

COACH REID:  We are not going to do that.

PLAYER:  Yeah, y’all are dirty.  I know.  No wonder y’all win so much.

COACH REID:  We aren’t dirty.  Those are the rules.

PLAYER:  Not if you aren’t trying to let us win.

COACH REID:  We are definitely NOT trying to let you win.

PLAYER:  That’s not my only plan.  We know it is going to rain at Arrowhead Stadium on Sunday, so we were talking about deflating the balls a little bit to help us catch them better.

COACH REID:  Oh really?

COACH:  For the love of God, please stop talking.

PLAYER:  Let me talk to these men!

REF:  I think at this point, you should probably listen to your coach and stop talking.

PLAYER:  So, we’re done here?

COACH:  I’m pretty sure you are done here.

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