The Perils of Zooming

Originally published by Murray Newman.

Since I felt it was appropriate to make my critiques and observations about others’ Zoom behavior in this post last May, I felt it would only be fair to tell on myself for something that happened this morning . . .

If you are reading this blog and don’t know me personally, then you may or may not have picked up on the fact that I like to mess with people.  99% of the time, the people that I harass or tease are my friends and it is all good-natured.  I was known for pulling practical jokes when I was a prosecutor and I still like to do them when the opportunity presents itself.

Because of this, I am keenly aware of the fact that I have a very large target on my back for retaliation at any given moment.  It’s kind of like surfing on a giant wave, and knowing that you are eventually going to wipe out at some point.  I strive on a daily basis to avoid giving some of my more frequent targets any ammunition to get back at me.  Some days, I’m more successful than others.

As per usual, for New Year’s this year, I decided to try to lose some weight and get into something that could loosely be described as being in shape.  I keep hearing about the “Dad Bod,” and have decided that I would be lucky to get to that point with some effort.  I’m pushing 50 years old, so I’m trying to manage my expectations.

I bought a Peloton last year and I’ve got some free weights in the playroom/home office.  I quit drinking beer at the house and I’m trying to lay off the desserts.  I made it through the first month of the year okay.  None of it is very pretty to watch, and I will not be joining the ranks of people posting “gym photos” to document their exercise progress.

This morning, I’m working from home with a couple of courts that I need to appear in via Zoom.  My first stop was in the 182nd, where I had a brief conference with Judge Lacayo and the prosecutors before resetting the case.  I texted the prosecutor I was working with for my next case of the day and she said that she needed about five minutes before logging on in the next court.

So, I decided to do a couple of reps with the free weights.

To be clear, this is not a pretty picture.  The weight isn’t particularly much.  My form is probably terrible.  I’m overweight.  The overall picture is not good.

But dammit, I’m working on it.

I go hit my weights and struggle through a quick set before docket.  I then set the weights down and start to go back my computer . . .

. . . and that’s when I see the little green light that indicates my computer’s video was on.

My heart rate goes up.  I wasn’t sweating before, but I’m starting to now.

I had opened up the District Clerk’s website to look up a reset date for another client, but that wouldn’t have slowed down the camera from working.

I was faced with the terrifying idea that I had not completely logged out of the 182nd Zoom Courtroom and just performed my very sad efforts at exercising in front of Judge Lacayo and staff, Casey Little, Missy Wheeler, and all the defendants logged in for courts this morning.

Y’all, I thought I was going to throw up.  Seriously.  I thought my day of reckoning for all of the practical jokes and smart ass comments had finally come to pass.

I rushed back to my computer — for some reason, moving to the side in an attempt to be off-camera as if the damage wasn’t already done — and closed the clerk’s website.

I was expecting to see the entirety of the 182nd courtroom staring back at me.

But, fortunately, I live to fight my practical joke war with humanity for another day.  I had apparently opened Facetime on my computer at some point, but mercifully, had not actually called somebody.  My ugly exercise routine had remained private.

I was fully prepared to fake my death and move to another country, otherwise.

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